All this talk of William and Kate's nuptials is all very exciting of course, but I can't help but be a little bit narked that my invite seems to have been lost in the post. Therefore, I have compiled this list of reasons why it's probably best not to be at the royal wedding, just to make myself feel a bit better.
1. Deciding what to wear would be a huge headache. It needs to be fashionable but not too fashionable, smart but not boring, reassuringly expensive and not too attention-seeking. I'd head to Kate Middleton's favourite retail haunts Reiss or Whistles if I was going (not that I've thought about it or anything). An embellished shift dress and matching cardie from Dorothy Perkins probably wouldn't cut it.
2. One of the loveliest parts of a wedding is seeing and congratulating the bride but, with the rumoured 2,000 guests attenting the wedding, it's very unlikely that a pleb like me would even see the bride, much less talk to her. In fact, I'd probably get a better view from a clapped-out television in the outskirts of Jaipur.
3. The one-upmanship attending such an event holds is rather offputting. If you're not with the bridal party, a relation or a celebrity all the other guests would be looking down at you. "Who's that common person? Why does she get an invite when some of my celebrity chums couldn't even get a look-in?"
4. Ok, I don't fancy Prince William but a girl cannot help feel a tinge of jealousy that Kate is marrying a prince and will always live in a beautiful big house with everything she could possibly need, and will never need to work or worry about money again. So, watching her signing the contract that makes all this legally binding is a teeny bit more painful than watching it on telly. So there.
5. Not attending the royal wedding means I can watch it with my mates in a manner that would make the Windsors and the Middletons flinch with embarrasment. I, for example, will be watching it holed up in a pub in Devon with friends, drinking as much as I like without worrying too much about the consequences. My old work colleague Paul has organised a party whereby all the attendees are divided into two groups, one called 'William', one called 'Kate'. Whenever either of the names are mentioned during on the television footage of the wedding, the corresponding team has to have a drink. Genious! You wouldn't get the Middleton's doing that now would you?
6. Talking of the merits of television footage, I'll receive information about every possible royal wedding detail as soon as is humanly possible by watching it on the box, which cannot be said for the wedding attendees. The magic of television - and a few savvy researchers, editors and the internet - means I'll know within approximately one minute who has designed the wedding dress (will it really be Sarah Burton from Alexander McQueen?), how much the wedding rings cost, where the flowers came from, what the bridesmaids dresses are made out of, what the canapes taste like and Prince Harry's tipple of choice.
7. I won't have to squirm with embarrasment at the Sloaneys or the Chelsea gaggle trying to bag Prince Harry during the afternoon reception. And Prince Harry laughing too hard at their silly jokes. Harry, they're only after a life that involves being waited on hand-and-foot, getting paid to do very little and living in grand houses. Don't encourage them.
8. I will happily avoid the awkward-but-necessary family banter that we all have to get through at weddings, particularly if there's a line-up. Only this family banter would be even harder to stand, what with Phillip's rascist jibes and Camilla's limited conversation about gardening.
9. The huge anti-climax at the end will be extremely hard to bear. If I was attending the royal wedding I'd come home at the end and be surprised that my flat doesn't have 15 bedrooms, my maid seems to have vanished and my fridge only contains a flat Corona and Tesco Value pitta bread. Where has my Champagne and lobster gone? Oh.
10. If you're at the royal wedding, you're in a bubble and, although I'm sure it would be very exciting indeed, you won't be able to get out very easily. If you're outside the bubble, as most of us commoners will be, you have access to Twitter, Facebook, email, text messaging, telephoning (yes I've heard some people still do that)... you get the picture. That means a much bigger opportunity for gossiping about the celebrity turn-out, sharing opinions on Kate's dress, sniggering about the silly military fanfares, commenting on how dapper Harry looks in his suit etc.
So you see, it's better not to attend the royal wedding after all. Wait, is that an invite landing on my doormat??!
No.
Oh.
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